Life W/ ED: Part III

I went to a day treatment center in Boston during the last month of summer. We ate all of our meals together, had group therapy sessions, and art activities. Imagine a day care with a bunch of people with eating disorders who have to be followed to the bathroom. The only real thing I remember from that program was having a combined group session with the adults. One of the older women looked at all of the kids and pleaded "figure this out now, so you don't end up here like me."

When it was time to go back to California for highschool, my parents and I sat down with the staff of the treatment center. They suggested I stay in their hospitalization overnight program, but my mom and I believed it would be more detrimental to delay highschool. So, we created our own team in Santa Barbara consisting of a nutritionist, therapist, and psychiatrist. I was insistint in staying in school, so I gained the weight. But did I ever eat a cookie? no. Did pizza still scare the living shit out of me? yes. I went through high school maintaining a safe weight but never addressing my underlying issues and fears.

I created an amazing group of friends in highschool that saved me. I remember highschool fondly. My friends and I were absolutely crazy, but we had the most fun I can remember. I was clearly drinking irresponsibly, but it seemed like everyone was at that time. When I look back I wish I could have treated people with more kindness and empathy, but I never would have learned those things had it not been for going through them. Food was an issue, but not enough of one to get my attention. I was focused on my friends, boys, and school. It didn't seem like that big of a deal that I was scared of pasta, when I had a fridge full of grapes and other choices.

I got into USC, the school I had my eyes set on. I was really excited for what this new part of my life had to offer, but nervous of the unknown future. The first week was crazy. I was starting college classes and rushing sororities and trying to make friends and keeping up with my exercise routine and trying to eat healthy. Everyday I was so busy I would't even have time to make it to the dining hall by dinner. So I had a little box of cherry tomatoes. Soon I told myself that I couldnt eat more than the day before, and so cherry tomatoes became my dinner staple .

Going through rush, was one of the most terrifying things ever--it was basically asking a group of girls if you were up to their standards from having two conversations. One of my top sorority choices cut me the first day. I called my mom sobbing, wondering what was wrong with me. On the last day I was accepted into Kappa Kappa Gamma, my number one choice. I could have not have been more ecstatic--other people thought I was good enough.

I made friends quickly, but started to lose weight even quicker. Going to the dining halls became a challenge. I was afraid of all the food in there except the veggies and soon started to tell people I was a vegetarian to avoid questions. I was out one night with my friends and binged for the first time since eighth grade. I don't remember it--but they told me I ate all of Figueroa (which basically is a street that is fast food chain after food chain.) The next day all I ate was an apple. That's when I realized my food was becoming an issue again. But I liked this thinner body I was in--I could control it when everything else seemed so out of my control.

One day in October, about two months into my college career, was the second game day of the season. I'm not sure exactly what happened, only that I took a drink from a boy and the next thing I remember was stumbling out of an uber all the way in Santa Barbara. When I woke up a solid two days later, I was home in my bed. I walked into the kitchen and my parents told me that somehow someway, the uber driver was able to get a hold of my phone and she called my parents and they asked her to drive me all the way back to Santa Barbara from Los Angeles. My parents said when I stumbled out of the car it was like seeing a ghost. I had lost 18 pounds in 2 months. They made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich--my favorite--but I just looked at it and started to cry. I was scared of a sandwhich.

"I need help." We hugged and cried and I took a leave of absence from college.