Life W/ ED: Part IV
- madcravings_
- Feb 23, 2021
- 3 min read
I attended residential treatment at Monte Nido. For those of you don't know what that is, it means I basically lived there and was monitored 24/7. It was a little house that took in six patients all over the age of 18. I was there for 3 months. I celebrated my 19th birthday, watched Trump take over as president, and took in the new year in this little place.
Our days looked like this:
7am Wake up
Breakfast
Group Therapy
Snack
Break
Lunch
Group Therapy
Individual sessions
Snack
Break
Dinner
Group Therapy (something on the lighter side)
Snack
Bed
When we sat to eat, which was six times a day, we were watched making sure we didn't sneak food off our plates, chopped our food into little pieces (or other food behaviors), and took under the allotted amount of time (30 minutes for meals, 15 for snack). Eating was always tense. Most of the time we played games at the table like school children. In the beginning, the meals were prepared for you according to your meal plan made by a nutritionist. As you advanced levels, you were allowed in the kitchen to make your own meals, but still following the guidelines of your meal plan. When you had a moment of difficulty there was always a trained staff member to talk you through. What I loved and hated the most was you had no choice but to eat what was in front of you. It took away the burden of choice.
Break times were always difficult. Most of the time I slept, looking back it was probably a mixture of boredom and depression. I read a million and ten books and could probably tell you what every page of the adult coloring book looked like. It was in the times were there was nothing that could distract me that I "felt" the weight gain. My body buzzed and itched and I just wanted to jump out of my skin.
To be honest, when I think back at this time, a lot of it is a blur. I don't think I ever could have pushed myself without Monte Nido, but it was also a bit traumutizing to think back on. Some of things I do remember were someone fainting at the dinner table and calling the hospital, some one running away, someone forcing themselves to throw up in the back yard, waking up to my roommate doing pushups in the middle of the night, some one throwing their food because they thought there was too much mayo in their sandwich, someone hurting themselves and being sent to the hospital, Impractical Jokers always playing during the breaks, and i'm sure a bit more if I pushed myself.
What I do have to say about this experience is that I would definitely recommend residential treatment to anyone struggling with an eating disorder. Although its hard, it pushes you to overcome your fears with the support and a lack of another option.
When I "graduated" from residential, I attended a step down full-day program and soon just my own therapists a couple times a week. I went back to college that Fall, and at this point it was my choice if I wanted to recover. I never could have gotten there with out residential treatment, but it was here the real recovery took place. YES I DEFINITELY had my ups and downs and "relapses" and episodes after treatment. But now I knew how to pick myself up and what to tell myself to get through.
Ultimately, my eating disorder is a coping mechanism for challenging and lonely times; it's my closest friend and my worst enemy. It my perfectionism gone awry. To all those struggling, eating disorders can only such the joy out of life, never give to it. I understand and hear what you are going through and how lonely it can be. Eating disorders do not make you special. YOU make YOU special. My DM's and email are always open. I have attacthed some resources below if you believe you or a loved one are struggling.
Love always,
Maddie.
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